The White Girl's Guide to Urban India (not just for white girls)

Day 1

Two things strike me immediately as I sit down on a ledge to have my first Indian streetfood which would serve as a very late breakfast. It’s called Paav and I’m still not sure what’s in it but it’s a little spicy so you’ll hear no complaints from me. The first thing I’ve noticed since arriving not 24 hours ago is that every address is listed as building so-and-so street so-and-so, behind the gas station. Or near the police station. In some unfortunate cases, next to the bus station. But always in some proximity to one station or another. It’s almost like asking your mum for directions. I wondered if everything here would be measured in relation to distance from station x. I suppose with enough planning it could work, but I strongly doubted there would be enough planning. One quickly catches on that plans aren’t the city’s strong point.

The second thing I noticed is that everyone had been grossly exaggerating about everything safety related.

After I finished my Paav I spent the day wandering the city, trying to figure out if I was right or crazy, or both.

The time slipped by quickly. At first I thought I had better have an early dinner as I was warned not to go out after dark alone.

But the problem with my temperament is that I tend to do what I’m told not to.

It’s 10pm in Mumbai. I stroll around for a bit after dinner. Some resourceful chitchat brought me to a beautiful rooftop restaurant overlooking the port and downtown Mumbai. I enjoyed my 3 course $7 meal as the breeze blew through the curtains.

I was particularly taken by the fact that they served my cucumber cooler (local beverage made with some carbonated soda) with a paper straw. As much as the paper straw amused me, there was no alcohol served at the restaurant so I was in search of a bar. I find a place, but through the windows I can tell I would be the outlier both in ethnicity and in gender, should I choose to walk in. I’ve had a long day, my backpack is still floating around somewhere in the void of airline services, as it has been for the last 3 days. I’ve finally obtained a change of clothes courtesy of the local fancy shopping mall, but I still feel like a homeless person looks, and I’m not up for the effort it would take to be a single white girl at a bar by herself. So I carry on and do what any white girl would do in this situation. Go to Starbucks. (For those wondering, yes, I walked here alone).

Sitting in what might be the prettiest Starbucks I’ve ever sat in- and I’ve sat in a good few, they always have flawless internet- I decide it’s been long enough. I’ve earned my stripes. It’s time to put it down on paper. Someone has to do it. What am I talking about? The OMG India is SOOOO like Dangerous Campaign. It turns out I might be crazy, but I’m also definitely right.

Before I set out to India against my better judgment and interest, I had conferred with a number of people who had been here. I was specifically curious about Mumbai seeing as how it’s a big city and ranked one of the worlds most dangerous. I had heard some awful stories regarding solo female travelers, so I was a bit concerned. 99% of the people I spoke to told me not to visit Mumbai. It’s dangerous. It’s bad. It’s dirty. The people are terrible. Don’t wear this, don’t go there, don’t go anywhere alone, make friends asap, and my favourite line (wish I got a dollar for every time I heard this in my life), you’re so brave! But that’s all really bullshit. The scariest thing that’s happened to me since I arrived here is having to kill the cockroach that was on my bed. I’m still shaking with the horror of that crunching sound. Guh. But aside from that, everyone needs to stop being such metaphorical white girls (boys included). But since they won’t, lo I give you:

The White Girl’s Guide to India (not just for white girls):

Don’t be a dumbass.

That’s pretty much it.

But I can visualize at least 1/3 of metaphorical white girls OMGing paired with a taken-aback double chin expression, so I’ll elaborate.

Problem 1: Street Harassment- Solution: Resting bitch face and the look of death- this is key. The rule of the game is very simple; if you look like you might kill anyone who approaches you, chances are, most people will be scared to approach you. Same goes for looking scared or confused/ overwhelmed. Your face has wounded antelope all over it. And if you’ve seen a minute of discovery channel, you know that nothing says please harass me like wounded antelope face.

a. Does embracing the death glare always prevent harassment? No. But it will go a long way. For example: As I was walking through the crowded market today one man stopped and was waiting (with his arm actually ready and posed) to grope me as I passed. I recognized his intention, slowed down, stared at him like I was visualizing his gruesome death. I mean summer internship at a medieval castle level death. He promptly linked his hands behind his back like a little lamb that just pissed itself. That was the end of that.

b. Does the look of death also work on beggars and children that will otherwise follow you to the ass end of the earth asking for money? Absolutely. Not only have I mastered the look of death but I also dislike annoying children. This combination pairs quite nicely. I’m aware that’s quite the insensitive response to impoverished masses that can’t afford to feed themselves, but I’m also aware that spare change won’t fix it. I won’t go into what you and I CAN do to fix it here, but I will leave you to think about that, and if you come up with nothing do feel free to inquire with professor google. Or maintain your ignorance is bliss status quo. Your pick.

What am I getting at? If you walk around like a terrified bunny you will stand out, you will invite harassment. If you walk with your eyes ahead, stride into traffic with minimal fucks to give, and pay no heed to anyone who isn’t remotely interesting to you, you will probably do just fine. Yes, even at night.

But do pay some peripheral attention.

c. Don’t walk through a dark alley with your headphones on and checking your text messages.

That’s being a dumbass.

And what’s the first law of the White Girl's Guide to India?

That’s right! Don’t be a dumbass.

2. I’m not sure where I should walk to stay safe- the middle of the street. Contrary to what common sense might have you believe, in Mumbai (and as I later discovered, New Delhi) at least, walking in the street is safer than walking on the sidewalk. The sidewalks are often dark, the blocks are jumble of dominoes that make tripping and falling way too easy – I speak from experience, and are blocked by cars, trucks, or other obstacles that can hide you or someone else from view. Walking in the street may seem unusual but it means everyone can see you at all times, and you can see them as well.

4. But I might get hit by a car!- Cars here move at a dangerous average speed of 4km per hour due to traffic caused by attempted human enactments of chaos theory in 3D. The only thing you should watch out for is scooters, and you can hear them rumbling from a mile away.

5. I’m scared to take public local transportation- good news. For an extra ~$2 you can ride in style with other white girls. Which you probably should. If you want to take the cheaper option you’re subjecting yourself to majority rule. You may not have heard about this, but unfortunately India isn’t one of the greatest when it comes to women’s rights. Different rules apply here. So if you’re traveling alone or dressed indecently (see #8), you’re putting yourself in a precarious position. You can definitely take public transportation, but you will be sleeping with one eye open and there will be a ton of unnecessary noise (India is pretty much a constant cacophony of unnecessary noises). If you choose to take a bus or a train, you can book cabins that will give yourself and your belongings a little more privacy, a little less noise and exposure to random releases of bodily fluids and gases from your fellow travelers. This is not what will make or break your bank account, but it could be the difference between being located across the street from the police station or at the front desk of the police station. Or simply getting a good night’s rest.

Other shit that you just need to get over, white girl:

5. EWWW. It like. Smells- Yeah, it smells. But it’s a humid hot country for the most part. I can’t think of a day where any congested city didn’t stink like hell in 30 degrees Celsius. Yes, the people eat the food they eat and maybe that smell lingers. But I live on the Mediterranean coast, which means we eat garlic and onion with pretty much every meal. We find that to be normal. In cholericly cold Europe, however, people avoid these spices and herbs so as not to smell. You sniff my whiff? What I’m saying is that the smell of turmeric and curry may be overwhelming at first, but you’ll get used to it.

6.Everyone is going to steal your shit- here’s a tip, don’t look like your shit is worth stealing. Apart from the things I can’t change without extensive plastic surgery, I tend to blend in because I dress regular and act regular. If you’re going to wear a travelers backpack and hiking boots or jogging sneakers with anything from the north face or Patagonia etc., you not only have awful fashion sense, you also look like a tourist with money. Also, heads up, you may not have noticed but backpacks are really easy to open from behind… If you have to carry one, make sure you can also carry it in your hands when walking through crowded areas. Overall, practice regular metropolitan caution.

7. The people drive like crazy- Why use one lane when you can use two?

This goes hand in hand with the smell. Just because you’re not used to it doesn’t mean it makes no sense. The people here are accustomed to driving the way they do, therefore they can make sense of the chaos. You don't need to.

8. Everyone is staring at me- Are they though?

If you’re not trying to look for it, you probably won’t know anyone is staring at you or not. If you feel like everyone is staring at you, it’s probably one of the following three: 1. you’re not dressed for the occasion. India is known to be conservative in terms of dress, both for women and men (you’ll notice the majority wear slacks and button down shirts), if you’re walking around with a low cut tank top and shorts, you’re going to be a main attraction and rightfully so. Get to know your audience. 2. They’re curious. From my experience when you’re in places that don’t see too many foreigners, people will be curious about you. You can choose to indulge their curiosity and wave, likely starting a long conversation in a mishmash of languages about where you’re from, or you can ignore it if you don’t have the time. But certainly don’t be offended by it. They can’t help that you’re rare in their part of the world. It’s human nature to be curious. 3. You’re staring at them just as hard. And this one is totally on you. I tested this out today. If you make eye contact with someone, they will continue looking at you, if you pretend not to see them, they’ll get bored and look away. Quick tip: this works for babies and dogs as well.

Everything I just said can be summarized by one rule, which I like to call: The Compton Rule.

Whatever situation you might be in while traveling in India, I want you to visualize the exact same thing happening, but in Compton. Now if you’re in a dark street at night and there are a bunch of people lingered around looking like they don’t mind some trouble, forget that you’re India and the way these guys talk kinda reminds you of Apu from the Simpsons, you cultured person you. You are now in Compton. What would you do? Damn straight, turn the eff around and go back to where you came from.

Now obviously India doesn’t have much in common with Compton, but this is a nice rule of thumb to prevent getting into sticky situations. For those wondering, yes, the Compton Rule works in other countries as well.

There you have it basics, The White Girls Guide to India (not just for white girls), explained.

And finally, give Mumbai a break.

It’s really not that bad.

But it’s not that great either.

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